One year anniversary

Today marks one year since Dad was officially diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. It's been a wild and crazy year filled with some hard times, but these were manageable given all the blessings and good times that came from our experience with cancer.

Not sure if I mentioned before how my parents told me that my dad had cancer or not, but it is a moment I will never forget. It is etched in my memory and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I always comment how they made sure to tell me in a 'public place', you know like as if I was the person being dumped in a relationship or something and they didn't want me to make a scene. They claim that the only reason they told me at the gym in the see through racquetball court was because it was the only time they could get me alone without the kids to talk to me. Whatever, we see it differently.

I didn't freak out... well, not there at the gym but as soon as I got home and searched the internet. Esophageal cancer is one of the fastest growing forms of cancer. Both in the different types of cancer and actually the speed at which this cancer can effect a person. It was really scary to read the statistics and realize, at the time, that it was more likely that my dad was not going to be here today than the likelihood that he would.

Oh how grateful we are for modern medicine. For cutting edge doctors who looked at Dad as an individual. They were able to give him a prognosis based on what his tumor looked like and where it was located as well as factored in his age, health history and physical health. They gave us hope as well as laying out the reality of what he was up for. What is most miraculous about Dad's cancer is how well he is doing since his surgery. Like I have mentioned before, I obsessively searched the internet to absorb all the information I could to prepare myself for what I thought was ahead of us. This meant I knew all of the things that could go wrong and in most cases do go wrong. It's amazing how little Dad is affected by the cancer on a day to day basis today.

Through this whole experience, I have been impressed with my dad and been able to see him in ways that I never have in the past. I saw him as someone stronger than I had ever known and at times also seen him weaker than I ever had before. I saw my dad as someone who only saw this experience as a bump in the road and took the information given him as a plan to beat what was facing him and that was it. I also saw my dad being a dad to me even when I felt like I should be taking care of him. I saw greatness in him that I think I knew was always there but I was able to see more of it than I ever knew existed.

After big storms, often the skies clear and the most beautiful weather occurs.  That is how I feel about this past year.  We had a challenging year where our family had to really be tested and think about each of our own mortality, but we would not exchange this year for anything.  We have been more united as a family than we have ever before.  Not just our little family, but our extended families as well.  Relationships have been developed more with family but also with friends and acquantances.  Through Dad's experience we have been able to give hope to others in similair situations and also been given a better opportunity to relate to others and the challenges that they face. 

Our lives are temporary.  There is no way to know for sure whether any of us will be here tomorrow or next week or next year or many years from now.  But we know now more than ever the importance of our families and the importance of loving everyone around us.

Countdown to the end of chemo!!! 1 days left

30 Years ago next month Dad became a dad---woah, that's a long time.  We love him.  He's been a good dad; Nay, a great one.  We are lucky kids... you know, for the most part.  There was the frequent adolescent embarrassment of our parents, Dad's sense of humor around our friends and his fashion over the years. :)

It was my assumption that when I started this blog that I would try my best to keep my siblings private.  After all, they usually prefer to not associate themselves with all of my weirdness.  I am usually embarrassing to them.  If I post something about them, they will have to claim me as theirs and I am not sure they are up for that not knowing what I will expose on this blog.  So, yesterday, when mom asked why I hadn't included any pictures of the other kids, I thought that this was just the post to make it happen.  So, Kim, Pat and Evan... if you are embarrassed by me in this post... it's mom's fault.

Ah, it all started here.  The birth of Kimberly... (30 next month... have I mentioned that yet?)-- Anyway, it's gotta be said that my parentals look pretty dang good in this picture--mom especially-- after just having their first child.  For some reason they gained a lot less weight for their first baby than Dan and I did.  Kim tells me that those first two years were the happiest of her life... why would that be?

Two years later came moi-Erin-.  I was cute and small once, it's true.  I can't help but notice that my dad is clutching  that dog so lovingly and tenderly.  He's even leaning toward the dog.  Hmf.  Well, at least I am looking cute and I must have given my parents lots of sleepless nights because the hair situation for my dad sure did change from this picture to the next...

My brother Pat was born in 1987.  That face is still totally him.... I am speaking of both my brother and my dad when I say that.  Nice Navy duds!  By number three, you get kind of tired of holding those babies and just park them wherever they'll fit I guess.

Here is Dad holding Evan for his first hair cut.  Evan is the fourth child, so you know that means that there are practically zero baby pictures of him and even less of just he and my dad.  But don't feel too sorry for him.  Now there are five bazillion pictures of Evan and hardly any of the rest of us. 

Now some more recent photos:

Dad and Evan on a cruise... like I said, don't feel bad for Evan... they've made up for the lack of baby pictures.  My parents have taken Evan on cruises and international vacations.  They've never taken me on a cruise and I've driven through Canada on my way to Michigan.  I know, I am a total globetrotter.  (this picture totally became about me, didn't it?)

Pat and Dad at Medieval Times.

Me and Dad.  I know, most of you are wondering if I look normal.  Most of the time, no.  As mentioned before, I am sort of an annoyer so it's always funny to me how my dad puts up with it.  He's putting up with it in this picture.

Kim and Dad.  Proud Papa in this picture!  This is Kim receiving her Masters degree.

I won't go on and on, but just so you know... it's good to have a dad like ours.

Chemo and pick line being removed Friday afternoon!  I will give an update about that tomorrow!

Where we're at

It has been a week or two since we have been dealing with this idea of cancer. The unknowns and many of the knowns are really scary things to hear about and to deal with. However, there is so much that is out of any of our control so we would be better off putting it out of our minds until we have to think about it. People normally spend most of their time worrying about those things they can't control and not worrying about what they can.

Dad is feeling really good. In the past 2-3 weeks he has actually gained a little weight! He has been able to throw his meals in a blender. Btw, all food together turns brown in a blender... must be why it is that color coming out of us!--it's absolutely disgusting and he is not allowed to use clear cups at the dinner table. He has made up some pretty nasty meals in the blender and has been more than excited to eat, I mean drink, it all right up! He has had more energy in the past couple weeks than we've seen him have in months. He is working really hard to get all the vitamins and nutrients that his body needs in him (via blender, of course). He tries to constantly have something with him to eat and has most his desk at work lined with smoothie, soup and juice cans. It really looks like he is selling food out of his cube. He gets exercise a couple times a week and is working on keeping his body active and strong to be able to handle what he will have to in the upcoming months. He has been able to keep up with his church calling and feels good about where things are at for the moment.

The hardest part of all this for Dad has been telling everyone. Us kids each have handled it in different ways, because we are all different but also because the immediate concerns will affect us differently as some of us will be impacted directly and others indirectly. As for me, I found out about a week and half ago now and I feel like I've been in a daze ever since. Mostly I just keep thinking about how this all just feels like some sort of alternate reality. For me, I am more of an obsessive personality and so I have been going through different phases like finding as much information as I possibly could, following my parents around like a lost puppy or feeling the need to ask my parents five million questions. I guess we each handle things differently. Considering all, I think us kids are doing ok for the most part.

My mom has been so strong! She really shows her strength in difficult situations and is able to handle most everything thrown her way. Certainly this is a huge, terrifying blow which she will never get used to dealing with. Most of the emotion, for all of us, comes in waves. When the moments are quiet and nothing else is happening around us, I would guarantee that our minds make their way back to thinking about my dad and the battle ahead.

Telling other family members has also been difficult. I know it was hard for my dad to tell his brothers as this isn't the first serious fight they're family has had to fight. Plus, since they are siblings and of a certain age (:)), they are also at risk and need to get themselves checked out. Dad told the members at our church this past Sunday and that was difficult... for all of us. Mostly I think he just wanted everyone to know that he wasn't the only person with trials and that he could still perform his church callings and wants to receive the blessings of serving others.

All that being said, we are ready for battle!! We all feel a lot more confident knowing our game plan and knowing that our star player (my dad) is strong and ready to win. Our family is strong and we protect each other the best we can. All of us plan on being here to support my dad and help him in any way we can. I told my mom that dad's job is to beat this thing and her job is to take care of dad and my job is to take care of her.

For the most part, we are all in a good place where we are confident in my dad's opportunity to beat this. If anyone can do it, he can. And that's the truth.

It would be impossible not to think about the preparation that our lives have gone through to be ready to fight this cancer. There are so many things that we have all gone through this year that has prepared us to unite together as a family to fight this. We are incredibly blessed and fortunate. While in a dire moment, I admittedly wished this on someone else, but I don't know a more competitive, strong-willed and united family as ours. My brother J told me the other day, "You know Erin? I think Dad's chances are more like 90 or 95%. Those doctors don't know what we know"... you know, I think he's right.